puppytoes

mea culpa

d'oh! isn't it just like me to forget to pimp myself on my own site and/or craft a new and/or clever post to impress potential visitors? well, yes, yes it is! actually, i have a lovely post planned for today, in honor of someone mommy loveloveloves very much (nope, not daddy. not this time, anyway), but since that's not gonna happen until after i get groomed my hair done, why not read the guest post i did for BELLE OF THE BRAWL? find out about mommy's magical meeting with a music legend. then, when you've had enough of me there, go channel your inner Cheeky Monkey, HERE.

honestly? i'd have probably been further along with the new and/or clever post if mommy wasn't still trying to figure out all the various gadgets on her stupid new cell phone. thus far she can speed dial, do voice commands, and take pictures, but that bluetooth thing-a-majig has her befuddled, which is, needless to say, nothing new for mommy.

now go! but come back, please? i promise i'll make it worth your while. if i don't have a new post up by the end of the afternoon, i'll let you all make fun of Max and/or Mommy for the rest of the week!

"If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me."  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

can we chat?

Go ahead. ask me what the hell i was thinking when i sent that email to Doug. the email in which i volunteered my humble services to do a "guest post". i won't be able to give you any kind of answer, but ask me anyway. no? why the hell not? le chat... er... cat got yer tongue? okay...you big baby, i'll tell you why. because sometimes i do things without fully thinking them through. sometimes these things work out nicely. sometimes, they do not. the jury's out on this one, but, for the sake of argument, let's just say it's worked out. and let's say that because to say anything else will piss me off. i'm a wreck, so humor me, won't you? trust me, it'll go much easier on us both if you do.

naturally, you'd think i'd want to impress any potential visitors today  with  my wit and/or wisdom, perhaps by offering up some clever anecdote about this, that, or the other. but you'd be wrong. i have no anecdotes about this. certainly not about that. and i sure as hell have nothing to say about the other. has no one noticed the lack of verbiage around here of late? did you NOT hear me the other day when i told you i was using up what few ideas i had with what was left of my mind over HERE? what's the problem? is my mouth moving and is nothing coming out again? (thanks for reminding me of that, oh Lady of the Lampshade... hope you liked the way i just snatched it out from under you like a cheap Persian Rug, and made it my own)

anyway, the deed is done. and, in truth, the process was not nearly as horrifying as i thought it might be. i mean, it was a little unnerving to have to fill out all those forms (did he really need to know my mother's maiden name? or how much i weigh? or how well i did on my SATs?). but it turns out that Doug (if that's his real name) is a kind and generous fellow. for a curmudgeon. the only time i found myself wondering what i'd gotten myself into was when he finally emailed the word i was to define, and, for a second there, i thought it was "qulex". as you might imagine, i shit a brick freaked out was mildly upset, until i realized that wasn't the word at all, but some spam that found its way into the "in" box just above the actual email from Doug. for, of course, the word he'd sent was "chat".

by the way, in case anyone's wondering, the first thing that popped into my fragile little mind when i saw the word "chat" was... why? why is this my word? is it because i'm an artful conversationalist? because, if that were the case, wouldn't my word be more artful? conversational? no. that can't be it. then i walked away from the computer and scratched my head. but still, it nagged at me. what did this mean? how should i take it? does he really want me to talk about ... talkishness? eventually i got tired of pondering, and, as i curled up to take a nap, i came to the conclusion that he did. so i did. talk about it, i mean. and, in case you missed the link the FIRST 2 times i listed it, the result of my effort can be found HERE.

now, if i were you, which i'm not, i'd race over there rightthisminute and leave a comment. also, if i were you, which i'm not, i'd say something witty. something clever. in fact, if i were you, which i think we've establised, i am not, i might even try to work in the word "qulex", because the reallyreally smart folks over there won't know what it means (mostly because it's not a word), which means they'll think you're reallyreallyreally smart, and, because you're my friend, they'll think i'm reallyreallyreally smart, too. and, in the end, isn't that what we all want? to be witty and/or clever and/or fool a bunch of reallyreally smart people and/or make me look reallyreally good?

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." ~Groucho Marx

no time.

gosh i wish i had time to blog. that would be swell.

i have quite a few things on my mind right now... but no time to talk about any of 'em. i hate that. i hate that more than... well than just about anything, including Max (tho' he runs a close second, especially right now, when those stink "bombs" he's firing off are causing my eyes to water). sigh. with a little more time, i'd be quite the little blabber mouth. but, what with the stupid painters painting, mommy spending hours on end trying to find something nice to wear to a wedding, and the inordinate amount of time we've both been spending at the Snark Park, well, there's just been no time to spare. still, if i close my eyes, i can almost see the post:

i'd start by chatting a moment or two about the "stolen keys incident" (as it has come to be known). the incident in which boy #2, who is banned from driving any and all cars around here, "borrowed" mommy's BMW X3 in the middle of the night, because, and i quote, "duh, i just wanted to drive around a bit 'cuz i was, uh, bored". "a bit" of driving that used up half a tank of gas. a tank that, if you are to believe the stories, costs mommy $823 every time she fills up.

oh, and i'd make the story really funny by telling the best part, which was how mommy figured out what the little fucker idiot dope boy had done. because she's sharp as a tack, after noticing the seats/mirrors adjusted differently, the radio set to an off-the-wall station, and that aforementioned 1/2 empty tank of gas, it occured to her to ask him, which she did. and he confessed. in fact, he spilled his guts. i mean, the little fucker idiot dope kid may be a thief (sort of), but he's an honest thief. sigh. wouldn't that have had everyone rolling in the aisles? i'm sure.

the other -- and BEST -- part of my post would have been about mommy's hot date with Gina, who writes a blog about something that's supposed to be simple but i simply can't remember what it's called. it's probably a complicated name, otherwise i'm sure it would come to me. doesn't matter, because the important part of the post i don't have time to write is where mommy drove out to Long Island to meet the hilarious/wonderful Gina. and how mommy lurked waited in the lobby for Gina to come and fetch her and saw this very chic, very attractive redhead (redhead? kind of, but darker. richer. auburn? bordeaux? merlot? don't know...) dressed in black walk by, so mommy pretended to be reading the listings on the wall in order to look nonchalant/inconspicuous. and how the woman kind of glanced over at mommy and mommy kind of glanced back and the woman and then they kind of stared at each other and said at the same time "Neva?" "Gina?" and then they laughed and laughed and laughed. and didn't stop laughing for the next three hours. it was, as i like to say, a veritable laugh-fest.

they giggled through the tour of Gina's office, as Gina showed mommy her desk/computer/pictures/Nadine. they chortled while scarfing down their tuna-fish sandwiches. they guffawed when mommy realized she had smeared tuna all over her face. they howled while sipping on lattes/triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mochas and some of it snorted out of mommy's nose. at one point, they laughed so hard mommy almost wet her pants, tho' they didn't laugh about that because mommy didn't want Gina to think ill of her. not on thier first date. and, even tho' Gina made a number of subtle hints about going back to work ("um... i really should be getting back to work or they're gonna fire me" "ya know, maybe we should save some of this conversation for our next meeting" "let go of my leg, you pathetic twerp, and for goddsake get up off the floor!") mommy and Gina stayed out for over 2 1/2 hours.

as the afternoon began to spill into the evening, and it was finally time to go their separate ways, mommy didn't think it was the least bit weird when Gina drove off before mommy could close the door when she was dropped her off at her car. the fact that Gina burned rubber in the process did not phase mommy at all. not even the nice security officer who politely, but firmly, told mommy to leave the premises could sway mommy's belief that she and Gina had been separated at birth (assuming their mother had had twins and carried one of 'em a few years longer than the one she gave birth to that turned out to be mommy) and that they were destined to be NBFF (*new* best-friends forever!). all-in-all, it was a magical day, and i'm quite certain readers would have enjoyed... um... reading about it. alas, 'twas not meant to be.

stupid time. you always seem to run out on me just when i need you most. you know what Groucho Marx says about you, don't ya? "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." hahahahahaha! see that, time? see how i go out of my way to humor you? why can't you return the favor once in awhile? huh? speak up. don't just stand there tapping your foot. what's that? you have things to do? places to go? deadlines to push? fine. you know what? screw you. screw you and the crummy 24 hours you rode in on. oh, and don't think for one second that i don't know how stupid that sounds, because i do. i just don't have enough time to figure out how to make it sound better.

**EXTRA! EXTRA!! i'm such a doofus. not sure i know what a doofus is, but if it's a goofy something or other, then, that's me! guess who "won" the lyric contest over at SHAYNA'S?? that's right... me. or mommy. but she can't do anything without me, so i'm taking credit for this, too! the only reasosn i didn't mention it earlier is because i didn't know. but now i do... and so do you! ("do"..."you"...see how good i am with all that rhyming crap? is it any wonder i win these things so handily?? hee hee!)

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."  ~Joe Walsh

dear brain...

what's up? how's it goin'? thought up any good...uh...er... thoughts lately? pondered any great problems? i only ask because you seem a little preoccupied these days. are you okay? is there anything you need? anything i can do? no? well then, would you mind, terribly, if i asked you one teensie-tiny little question?

WHAT THE FUCK HECK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? (get it? "matter"? as in gray matter? see brain, thank goodness there was 'no pun intended' there, because you wouldn't have gotten it anyway!) gosh, remember when you used to function? when ideas flew around in there like flies on a pile of shit? now you are a pile of shit, my little vacuous chum. and, as of this moment, good for one thing and one thing only: taking up space between my ears. that's right, i've noticed you've been dormant for quite a little while, oh wrinkled one. well, by golly, i won't have it! i won't! it's time for you to do what you do best, you worthless sack of neurons, break out with a notion or two! ya hear what i'm saying? stop blanking out on me! stop it rightthisminute. don't you know i need you? hasn't it occured to you that i can't do a post without you? not only that, but it just so happens i keep all the stuff i know in you. which wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that i don't have any back-up. trust me, i understand you've been feeling somewhat foggy of late, but, for the love of god, do us both a favor, will ya... snap out of it!

come home, and all will be forgotten forgiven.

SOPHIE

[if anyone needs me, i'll be HERE (daddy's post is beyond hysterical) or over here (snarkin' it up with my homies). please let me know if my brain shows up.]

Tick's Brain: Tick, this is your mind speaking.

Tick: Oh. Hello.

Tick's Brain: Sorry I haven't been around much lately but I'm easily distracted by shiny objects. ~ The Tick (Animated TV series)

huh.

i cannot believe it's already saturday. nor can i believe i haven't written a post in 3 days. okay, i can believe it, because, well, because i've actually been trying to write something for three days... to no avail. what's up with that?

i'll tell you what. it's because i spend wa-a-a-y too much time reading and/or commenting on everyone else's blogs (see how you guys keep me from doing my bloggy job?). by the time i get back here it's either too late or i'm too pooped to pen anything worth reading. anyway, because of this travesty, today i've decided to share some of the "comments" i've left laying around on other sites, just so you can see i've not been idle in bloggerville. but, before i do that...a small announcement:

last week, kyagirl and i became veryvery frustrated when  "blogger" (that whore of a host) shut down, and left legions unable to read and/or comment on their favorite sites (and by 'legions', i mean kyahgirl and me). since many of our friends have been, in fact, ensnared in the web of buggerous bloggery known as "blogger", you can imagine our collective frustration. well, friends, we didn't want to take that shit anymore, and so we decided to do something about it! (being the proactive kind of girls we are). that's right! we've created a place for those with "comment withdrawl" to leave comments (from/for anyone's blog, or just something random) for one and all to see. we'll put up a new "post" every day, and then let any and all have at it! and, because we're "dogs", naturally we wanted to create the illusion of a fun festive frolicking time (much like i have around here on weekends in the front yard) so we went with a "park" theme. thus was born CENTRAL SNARK. (get it? like "central park"? only snarky? and without all the shit and/or muggers?)  not sure what it's gonna evolve into, but for now, it meant to be a fun place to leave a comment/take a comment and/or hang out to see what everyone else is leaving/taking. so check it out... we're of a mind to link to any and all who show up (because that's the kind of good blogging citizens we are) but that means ya have to leave at least one comment in order to hitch a ride on the side bar!

okay, now for those comments. tho', since it's saturday, a day i usually post pictures of myself, bobo, and max, i thought i might do a little "double duty" here. therefore, i give you my random comments, with pictures! yay! whee! whoopee! (this may or may not work... guess we're about to find out):

to wordsmith doug, of waking ambrose fame:

"...hooray!!! i've been trying to leave a comment ALL DAY!! of course, now that i'm finally able to do so, i realize i have nothing to say.

TROLLOP: the blogging server that stays "down" all day and prevents a lively exchange of ideas and/or quips. see also, bitch

and doug: your first clue(s) that my thesaurus is old were the words chippie, floozy and tart! ..."

for the saucy sar, aka belle of the brawl:

"...oh, and as long as there's a wee bit 'o "shameless" promotion going on (by me and kyahgirl)... may i remind everyone that a vote for logophile may mean losing unwanted pounds and/or wrinkles, but a vote for me means... um... uh... CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR EVERYONE!(i hate to cook, but i bake a "to die for" cookie). screw the pounds, i say "happy mouths" for one and all!

sigh, i'm pathetic, right? (vote for me anyway) ; P ..."

to mommy's friend, karen, on namaste:

"...in Greek mythology, the middle finger was known as the Jupiter/Saturn Finger, which symbolized the phallus. in ancient Rome, male prostitutes would stick their middle digit into their hair to signal potential customers that they were "open for business". then, in Medieval times, the Church identified it as the Digitus Infamis or Obscenus, aka "the obscene finger" (early Christians considered it evil to wear a ring on this finger given its sexual significance)

that said... the history you gave makes perfect sense... especially if they were predisposed to think the finger was "plucking evil", in the first place!! not to mention the "YEW" part!! too funny!!

(as for the other stuff...what can i say? my sister wrote a book about penises & vaginas...)..."

mommy's note to our beloved daddy:

"...hi honey! i'm just randomly leaving comments, since it's again impossible to do so on any of the "blogger" sites we like. besides... i feel thismuchclosertoyou when i check in on your blog!

I LOVE YOU!!! xoxoxo
(is it time to come home, yet? are we gonna walk? are you even reading this? am i just typing away for no good reason at all? should i stop????) XOXOXO..."

of course, i would very much like to point out that mommy and/or i left dozens more comments on manymany sites... but for now, as well as for the sake of brevity, these shall have to suffice (oh, and to YOU, our bootilicious Miz B?...i promise i'll pop one of my comments to you up NEXT time... for there will be a next time, oh yes, there will be a next time!). now... since i know how much you all like the pictures, here are a few more to tide ya over until i'm in the mood to post again! enjoy. or not. i don't really care, as long as i don't have to write anymore. and, unless i'm mistaken (and i'm quite sure i'm not), it is all about me. (isn't it?)

had enough? golly, i sure hope so, kids! 'cuz i'm wa-a-a-y too pooped to look at anymore pictures... and, in case you haven't noticed (mommy?) it's my DINNER TIME! so... you know, i have to go! (ain't i the poet? hee hee) let's hope that bitch blogger gets its act together this week, i'm not sure i can take another day of not reading my favorite blogs! stupid blogger. i dumped you like a bad habit, because you very nearly broke my bloggy spirit. try not to do that to my friends, or, trust me, there will be hell to pay... and toes to bite!

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" ~ Marilyn Pittman

trippin' thru my post

HEY! before i say another word, i just want to thank everyone for voting for daddy. for daddy's very funny caption, that is. the caption he submitted to Sar, "hostess with the mostess" of Belle of the Brawl fame. that's right. thanks to your vote, daddy won. he's the big winner. the big cheese. the top dog. the head humor honcho. mr. funny. mr. comedian. mr. make-'em-laugh. mr. "i've got all the answers just ask me". mr. big-time belle-of-the-brawl-caption-contest-winning guy.

actually, i'm very glad daddy won. he's so funny. and he makes mommy laugh and laugh and laugh all the time. so it's good that other people are finally being exposed to his sense of humor. that said, i, myself, have been nominated this week, so i guess you're gonna have to scoot over there and vote for ME!!! or not. it's your call. i could care less. (okay, i'm lying... it's nice to win. or to be a runner-up. doesn't happen often, so, y'know...vote!)

mommy, on the other hand, is not one for contests. of course, that doesn't mean she hasn't participated in a few. like the time she and her sister (the veryverysmart dr. terri) were quite certain they were gonna win the great KFRE "we'll pay your power bill for a year" contest several years ago when mommy was still living in california. of course, they didn't. they came oh-so-close, but then lost to a guy named ruben gonzalez. a name that, to this day, is synonymous with "contest-stealing-whore". they're sure ruben is a nice enough man, but that doesn't change the fact that they were pretty freaking pissed when he won and they did not!

now, when i first started this post, i planned to go with a 'contest/competition' sort of theme. ooh. i was gonna be so dang clever, too. after using "daddy won the caption contest" as my jumping off point, and then that nifty segue into the "ruben gonzalez debacle" (as it came to be known), i planned to (finally) tell ya about mommy's brief brush with fame in the form of the gong show. but then a funny thing happened. it started raining. and mommy had to figure out a way to get  us all outside in order to do our "business". then fuzzy-butt decided he would only take 3 bites from any one can of cat food, causing mommy to have to get up every 4 minutes in order to replenish the cat dish (he's sick, mommy indulges). then mommy started reading through a few other blogs and got distracted. all this to say i'm tired of writing and/or waiting for a little more inspiration and/or listening to that cat yip for fresh food.

so, instead of telling you about "the gong show", i've decided to resurrect a portion of something i wrote last year about mommy's clumsiness, and how it impacted her in venues relating to competition. sort of... (what? you didn't know me then... as far as you're concerned, this material is as fresh as laundry in the dryer!)

  suffice it to say that mommy is, in fact, clumsy. clumsy in the juggling-of-eggs-that-fall-to-the-floor-because-she-doesnt'-know-how-to-juggle clumsy. clumsy in the carting-through-the-grocery-store-and-jars-of-spaghetti sauce/strained carots/pickles/salad dressing-slip-out-of-her-hand-and-fall/break-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle clumsy. clumsy in the trying-to-iron-the-collar-of-a-shirt-while-it's-on-her-actual-body-and-burns-her-chest-leaving-a-mark-in-the-shape-of-the-iron-in-a-spot-easily-viewed-by-anyone-interested-in-viewing-such-things clumsy. so, basically, she's pretty clumsy. how clumsy? let me count the ways. and by that, of course i mean the ways that tie in with the clumsy/competition theme i've basically decided to go with today...

1. while participating in a local beauty/talent pageant once-upon-a-time in her long-forgotten-youth, mommy caught the heel of her shoe in the hem of her  gown, and ripped and tripped her way down the ramp. her turns in front of the judges were a wonder to behold. "i wonder if she's ever worn high-heels before", one judge was overheard to say. "i wonder why she decided to run in this pageant", said another. "i wonder how she's gonna do in the state pageant, since those idiot judges still allowed this graceless cow to win!" muttered the disgruntled parent of one of the loser contestants...

2. mommy sang her little heart out, and won the talent competition at the state pageant. she did not win the poise and/or swimsuit portion of the contest (the bruise on her knee may or may not have had something to do with that), and she told a somewhat questionable joke to the judges in her interview. nevertheless, she was invited back to perform as part of the "pageant entertainment" the following year.

3. for her big performance the next year, mommy's older sister (sometimes referred to by her sisters as the crazy bitch, for reasons that will in no way be apparent here, and please don't tell her, 'cuz it'll only make her mad) made for mommy a lovely outfit of satin and some kind of organdy-ish material (i have no idea what organdy is... just try to picture something gauzy and flowy and you'll probably be close). it was a fetching little number, too... really cool wide legged hip-hugging pants paired with a cleavage-enhancing halter top (this was in the 70's, mind you, so, overall, it was kind of risque for the day). mommy felt very special in her outfit, and hoped her performance would be memorable. it was. mommy totally rocked a crowd of around 1500 people. rocked 'em right up to the last note, for which she took in an extra gulp of air to ensure she'd hit and sustain the very last note of barbra streisand's "sweet inspiration". only, when mommy took that last, de-e-e-e-ep breath, a funny thing happened. both hooks on the back of her halter top popped (popped, i tell you, POPPED!), rendering mommy...topless. in a state pageant. a televised state pageant. televised in the state of california.

4. mommy got over it, and tho' she was never invited to perform in that televised state pageant again, she did get to perform on big deal stages a few more times. that is, until that one, fateful night in fresno, when she was hosting yet, another pageant. for her opening number, she planned to step onto the extended ramp from out front, by the audience, where she envisioned herself belting out her song and boogying her way up to the actual stage. instead of that dynamic start, howerver, while trying to run past the orchestra in order to be in place when her music started, mommy slipped. long story short, she tripped on the hem of her dress again, only this time she fell down on her hands and knees in a flowing evening gown, in front of manymanymany hundreds of people! oh, she still got up on that stage, and she still sang. she did not, however, boogie up, down, or across the stage and/or ramp. in fact, she rather limped through the whole show. oh yeah. and the people laughed at her. a lot. after that, mommy didn't  get invited to perform much. something about "maintaining" the dignity of the pageant persona. and insurance.

well kids, that's all she (me) wrote for today. okay, i know it was goofy, and is, in fact, relevant to nothing. still, i hope this entry will tide everyone over until i finally manage to write that post about the gong show. trust me, based on what i have thus far, it's gonna be hilarious.

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"  ~Fanny Brice

gtofsy? s;trsfu?

it must be friday...because i can't type. (how are these two things related? i have no idea... but after tapping out that heading...i'm thinking these two things must have something in common. please agree, 'cuz i'd hate to think i've suddenly forgotten how to type!)

actually, mommy and i are fighting over control of the computer right now... she thinks she should be paying the bills. i say who are all these guys named bill, and what are we paying them to do? (mommy didn't laugh, either.)

of course, as you can see, i did manage to wrangle the keyboard away from her, but for how long is anyone's guess. hopefully, it'll be enough time to do what i need to do. and, what's that, you say? glad you asked, i say! i need/want/feel compelled to announce my intention to start sharing the wealth of information at mommy's fingertips in the form of a regular friday feature. (and why should'nt i? daddy has his friday 5 spot, for cryin' out loud! (which is totally awesome, by the way). now get off my case, rubber face, and let me finish my thought before mommy comes back and rips this keyboard from my fragile little fingers paws fingers...).

to continue...in light of A) my post 2 days ago (episode of house/vaginal ticks/ewwwww) B) a certain section of a certain book written by a certain mommy's sister (the veryverysmart dr. terri) and, C) aforementioned sister's remark that "hey, maybe i should add "ticks" when i revise my book--if i ever do revise my book, that is...", i give you my first edition of:

FUN FACTS for a FRIDAY

today's topic (in case ya didn't read wednesday's post):

things that don't belong in--yet were fished out of--a woman's va-jayjay (as documented in actual medical literature)...

• set of false teeth
• pine cone
• rubber ball (discovered 20 years after it found it's way in there)
• shot glass
• highball glass
• flashlight bulb
• cucumber
• onion
• orange
• hard-boiled egg
• the finger of a glove
• aerosol deodorant cap
• leech
• dead mouse
• an iron-handle (from forceps used as wire-cutters)
• broken-off handle of a broom (which remained undetected for 3 months)

now, i'd like to state, for the record, that i'm not sharing this information in order to gross you out. nor do i care to provide anyone with the opportunity for extraordinarily inappropriate/salacious comments. i'm just saying--and this is important--that people are stupid (some more than others).

thus endeth the lesson.

Bebe: You guys still want to go ice skating after school?
Wendy: Oh no, that's okay, Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge, gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner.

~ South Park (Animated TV series)

like pullin' teeth...

boy #2 had two wisdom teeth pulled out today. now he's in pain. the end.

hahahaha! well, actually, i guess it's really not that funny, because the boy did have those teeth pulled and he is in pain. i was just tryin' to let you know in my own silly way that this was gonna be a really quick post. but, ya know what? since the boy is currently fast asleep, and, therefore, not demanding inordinate amounts of mommy's time, i guess i can spend a couple of minutes chattin' about other stuff. (once he wakes up itll be a whole different story, because he's ever-so-childlike in his need for attention, especially when pain is involved.)

to tell the truth, lately, boy #2's been working overtime gettin' attention outta mommy--she was up late several nights last week talking to him, following a nasty break-up with the girlfriend formerly-known-as-betty (henceforth known as that-whoring-bitch). then, three nights ago, he got into a heated argument with another former-friend, who wound up punching the boy on the side of his beautiful face! knocking him down/out! giving him a mild concussion! can we talk about pain? can we talk about drama? of course, i'm not talking about the boy, because he actually tried to hide the whole sordid affair from mommy & daddy for a day, but once they found out, you should have seen mommy! she is not a happy camper, and i fear for the emotional safety of this sh*ttyf*cksh*t guy if she ever gets within dirty-looks-clipped-verbiage-distance of him. she's been known to track folks down for much less (remind me to tell you about the snow-ball/high school kid/lexus affair sometime), so i'm thinkin' this f*ckface guy better hope to all that's holly hunter mommy doesn't get a hankerin' for a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha anytime soon, for, as it happens, this asshole sh*tf*cker guy works at, you guessed it, our local starbucks! in fact, he is none other than the same f*ckingmotherlesswhorechild guy who screwed up mommy's starbucks experience a few weeks ago. needless to say, he's already on her shit list... so it's a safe bet he'll not be getting off anytime soon (in all honestly, if mommy--a non-violent kind of a gal--had her way, this asshole f*cker guy wouldn't be gettin' anything off anytime soon...if ya catch my drift, and i think you do.)

ah, but it's monday, and i really shouldn't be tellin' stories about that boy and his stupid-former-friends, should i? no... i should be talking about mommy and daddy's pathetic weekend tv-viewing line-up...altho' there's not a whole hell of a lot to tell, come to think of it. in fact, daddy did a nice job summing up last night's episode of the sopranos, so why should i waste my/your time doing it here? as for that sluttywhore meredith on grey's anatomy?  well, at least last night, even meredith acknowledged she's a whore... in fact she took up knitting to keep herself from drinking too much/sleeping with the first penis guy to drop one of her favorite lines in her lap (you know what i'm talking about, lines like: new here? or my place or yours? or wanna see my trampoline?) since she wasn't so busy f*cking sleeping with every tom, dick or dick (she likes dicks), she had time to discover she has not one, but two step-sisters she never knew she had!!! ooh. fascinating. in other news, man-boy-george finally succumbed to the ample charms of ortho-doc (that's what the writer of this episode calls her...), and, at the verylastsecond, meredith, knitting needles in hand, met a hunky new character who may--or may not--be named dick. ha! just kidding! (still, bet she sleeps with him by next week.)

whoa... look at all these worms! i really didn't think i'd have time to write so many... did you? those pain killers the boy took must be working pretty well, 'cuz he's been sleeping all afternoon! it's just as well, i guess, since there's nothin' else to do...

as lovely as the weather was over the weekend, it's been kind of cold/drizzly out today, not very spring-like, now, is it?  in fact, if today wasn't the first day of regular baseball season, it honestly wouldn't seem like spring at all! (would it, daddy?) go dodgers!!

"That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball."  ~ Bill Veeck, 1976