HEY! before i say another word, i just want to thank everyone for voting for daddy. for daddy's very funny caption, that is. the caption he submitted to Sar, "hostess with the mostess" of Belle of the Brawl fame. that's right. thanks to your vote, daddy won. he's the big winner. the big cheese. the top dog. the head humor honcho. mr. funny. mr. comedian. mr. make-'em-laugh. mr. "i've got all the answers just ask me". mr. big-time belle-of-the-brawl-caption-contest-winning guy.
actually, i'm very glad daddy won. he's so funny.
and he makes mommy laugh and laugh and laugh all the time. so it's good that other people are finally being exposed to his sense of humor. that said, i, myself, have been nominated this week, so i guess you're gonna have to scoot over there and vote for ME!!! or not. it's your call. i could care less. (okay, i'm lying... it's nice to win. or to be a runner-up. doesn't happen often, so, y'know...vote!)
mommy, on the other hand, is not one for contests. of course, that doesn't mean she hasn't participated in a few. like the time she and her sister (the veryverysmart dr. terri) were quite certain they were gonna win the great KFRE "we'll pay your power bill for a year" contest several years ago when mommy was still living in california. of course, they didn't. they came oh-so-close, but then lost to a guy named ruben gonzalez. a name that, to this day, is synonymous with "contest-stealing-whore". they're sure ruben is a nice enough man, but that doesn't change the fact that they were pretty freaking pissed when he won and they did not!
now, when i first started this post, i planned to go with a 'contest/competition' sort of theme. ooh. i was gonna be so dang clever, too. after using "daddy won the caption contest" as my jumping off point, and then that nifty segue into the "ruben gonzalez debacle" (as it came to be known), i planned to (finally) tell ya about mommy's brief brush with fame in the form of the gong show. but then a funny thing happened. it started raining. and mommy had to figure out a way to get us all outside in order to do our "business". then fuzzy-butt decided he would only take 3 bites from any one can of cat food, causing mommy to
have to get up every 4 minutes in order to replenish the cat dish (he's sick, mommy indulges). then mommy started reading through a few other blogs and got distracted. all this to say i'm tired of writing and/or waiting for a little more inspiration and/or listening to that cat yip for fresh food.
so, instead of telling you about "the gong show", i've decided to resurrect a portion of something i wrote last year about mommy's clumsiness, and how it impacted her in venues relating to competition. sort of... (what? you didn't know me then... as far as you're concerned, this material is as fresh as laundry in the dryer!)
suffice it to say that mommy is, in fact, clumsy. clumsy in the juggling-of-eggs-that-fall-to-the-floor-because-she-doesnt'-know-how-to-juggle clumsy. clumsy in the carting-through-the-grocery-store-and-jars-of-spaghetti sauce/strained carots/pickles/salad dressing-slip-out-of-her-hand-and-fall/break-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle clumsy. clumsy in the trying-to-iron-the-collar-of-a-shirt-while-it's-on-her-actual-body-and-burns-her-chest-leaving-a-mark-in-the-shape-of-the-iron-in-a-spot-easily-viewed-by-anyone-interested-in-viewing-such-things clumsy. so, basically, she's pretty clumsy. how clumsy? let me count the ways. and by that, of course i mean the ways that tie in with the clumsy/competition theme i've basically decided to go with today...
1. while participating in a local beauty/talent pageant once-upon-a-time
in her long-forgotten-youth, mommy caught the heel of her shoe in the hem of her gown, and ripped and tripped her way down the ramp. her turns in front of the judges were a wonder to behold. "i wonder if she's ever worn high-heels before", one judge was overheard to say. "i wonder why she decided to run in this pageant", said another. "i wonder how she's gonna do in the state pageant, since those idiot judges still allowed this graceless cow to win!" muttered the disgruntled parent of one of the loser contestants...
2. mommy sang her little heart out, and won the talent competition at the state pageant. she did not win the poise and/or swimsuit portion of the contest (the bruise on her knee may or may not have had something to do with that), and she told a somewhat questionable joke to the judges in her interview. nevertheless, she was invited back to perform as part of the "pageant entertainment" the following year.
3. for her big performance the next year, mommy's older sister (sometimes referred to by her sisters as the crazy bitch, for reasons that will in no way be apparent here, and please don't tell her, 'cuz it'll only make her mad) made for mommy a lovely outfit of satin and some kind of
organdy-ish material (i have no idea what organdy is... just try to picture something gauzy and flowy and you'll probably be close). it was a fetching little number, too... really cool wide legged hip-hugging pants paired with a cleavage-enhancing halter top (this was in the 70's, mind you, so, overall, it was kind of risque for the day). mommy felt very special in her outfit, and hoped her performance would be memorable. it was. mommy totally rocked a crowd of around 1500 people. rocked 'em right up to the last note, for which she took in an extra gulp of air to ensure she'd hit and sustain the very last note of barbra streisand's "sweet inspiration". only, when mommy took that last, de-e-e-e-ep breath, a funny thing happened. both hooks on the back of her halter top popped (popped, i tell you, POPPED!), rendering mommy...topless. in a state pageant. a televised state pageant. televised in the state of california.
4. mommy got over it, and tho' she was never invited to perform in that televised state pageant again, she did get to perform on big deal stages a few more times. that is, until that one, fateful night in fresno, when she was hosting yet, another pageant. for her opening number, she planned to step onto the extended ramp from out front, by the audience, where she envisioned herself belting out her song and boogying her way up to the actual stage. instead of that dynamic start, howerver, while trying to run past the orchestra in order to be in place when her music started, mommy slipped. long story short, she tripped on the hem of her dress again, only this time she fell down on her hands and knees in a flowing evening gown, in front of manymanymany hundreds of people! oh, she still got up on that stage, and she still sang. she did not, however, boogie up, down, or across the stage and/or ramp. in fact, she rather limped through the whole show. oh yeah. and the people laughed at her. a lot. after that, mommy didn't get invited to perform much. something about
"maintaining" the dignity of the pageant persona. and insurance.
well kids, that's all she (me) wrote for today. okay, i know it was goofy, and is, in fact, relevant to nothing. still, i hope this entry will tide everyone over until i finally manage to write that post about the gong show. trust me, based on what i have thus far, it's gonna be hilarious.
"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?" ~Fanny Brice