mommy & daddy were relieved/impressed last night to discover the remaining 4 contestants on american idol did NOT suck. in fact, mommy thought, overall, it was the most entertaining show of this season... aside from the initial audition/elimination rounds,that is, 'cuz, let's face it, anytime you have dozens hundreds thousands of overly delusional-yet-awful idol wannabes taking center stage for the sole purpose (ultimately) of eliciting snarkisms from simon, well, THAT'S entertainment. (i'm just sayin'...).
anyway, last week, i predicted that the "whirlwind" trip to graceland could be the recipe for mind-fuck stew, but, thanks to tommy mottola's excellent coaching (how could i have so misunderestimated* one of the most powerful people in the music industry?), the contestants actually provided viewers/idol critic wannabes (like mommy) with a much more tasteful musical melange of Elvis classics than anyone expected, least of all, me. of course, i have no idea what "melange" means, exactly, but in my mind/on my blog? it means lasagna:
1. noodles: that would be you, elliott. basic. nothin' much by yourself, 
but when cooked properly, and with the right ingredients (like the right songs) you come to musical life. lately, you've been sounding like an overcooked wet noodle sans sauce. in fact, mommy initially thought this was gonna be your week to be taken off the idol menu. after last night, however, she thinks, you'll keep until next week.
2. cheeses: taylor. not because you're cheesy (altho', that suit you wore last night came close), but because you add delicious layers of yummy goodness that makes watchin' idol so much fun.
3. marinara sauce: chris, baby, you're the essence of the overall flavor of the show. lord knows you don't need idol, but it sure as hell needs you, dude! oh, and imagine mommy's surprise, to learn your 
appeal reaches well beyond teenaged girls and rock music aficionados... well beyond. all the way to central california, to be exact, and into the home of mommy's mom & dad. that's right, chris... mary and ernie think you're motto bene -- something ernie knows a thing or two about, what with him being italian, and all.
4. small jar of gerber's organic strained carrots: mommy mixes this in with the ricotta, for added nutrition. no one notices when it's there. 
no one notices when it's not. katharine that's you. you're good, but but you don't, necessarily add anything to the mix. actually, last night you were like 4 jars of strained carrots, 'cuz you tried about 3 jars too hard, and, mommy's gonna be shocked if that doesn't result in your exit. one word, katharine, nuance. learn how to consistently bring that into your vocals, and maybe you'll one day be as good as simon hoped you were when he (erroneously) labeled you a "star" several weeks ago.
hungry for more? no? good, because, much as i'd like to comment on how hideous and/or scary priscilla presley looked in the couple of quick glimpses viewers were subjected to, i won't. tho', when i say "scary", i really mean smeary -- 'cuz, damn! seriously, i think something's been melted over her face. i don't know much about this sort of thing, so maybe that's what all formerly beautiful women do when they can't be sure every camera pointed at them will be equipped with a soft focus lens; 
they get themselves a "soft focus face". i do know this, priscilla looked very "queen of the goddamned", and i don't mean that in a good way. still, do i have to talk about her rightthisminute? what about "i'm hungry" don't you kids understand? i know you can't tell, but i'm so hungry right now, i'm drooling all over the computer. trust me, if i don't get to wrap my mouth around something tasty in the next 5 minutes, toes will suffer. toes, i tell you, TOES!
what's that? what about house? oy. yesyesyes, mommy & daddy watched (even tho' some freakish tivo glitch meant they had to miss the first 10 minutes...fortunately, most episodes of house start pretty much the same way: someone's doing something when something bad 
happens landing that someone somewhere in the hospital where some doctors and nurses realize something's "terribly terribly" wrong...) last night? drunks, a dead baby, waaaay too many dead baby jokes, delusions, debates, dead end marriage, soon-to-be-dead mom, who was also the killer of aforementioned dead baby. riveting. no, really.
oh, and for anyone who might give a shit, mommy & daddy have yet to watch the latest episode of the sopranos (hold on to your panties, they'll probably watch tonite)... they did, however, watch huff. now, i know i haven't talked about huff lately, and i'm not going to now, except maybe to say... what the fuck is up with oliver platt's character? seriously, what the fuck?? (thanks. i really needed to get that off my chest.)
okay, so now my hunger drool is starting to smear the words on the screen... a sure sign i need to eat. i know for a fact there's no lasagna in the fridge, but i'm pretty sure there's left-over spaghetti--did i mention that mommy is italian through osmosis? by the way, know where mussolini kept his little italian armies? why, in his little italian sleevies, of course! HAHA...hahahaha...heh..heh...ah... hamph. (obviously, hunger hurts my sense of writing direction and/or humor.) naturally, i'll be back tomorrow to weigh in on tonight's elimination round (by the way, dialidol.com says
chris & katharine are in the bottom 2. i, for one, think dialidol.com is full of shit.) anyway, where was i? oh yeah... i'll be back tomorrow with more bitchy idol blahblahblah... because, apparently, that's what i do. sigh. i know, i know. i'm pathetic and i need a life. but first...i need food!
*i know "misunderestimate" isn't a real word. guess what? i don't care.
"If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate." ~ Diogenes the Cynic
OOOWEEEEE! I AM FIRST!
WOOOOH!
Posted by: Miz BoheMia | 10 May 2006 at 05:37 PM
Ok! Now I can comment! ;-) FINALLY some criticism of Priscilla Presley! She is a freak and unfortunately not of nature! That is what she lacks and she reminds me of a female version of Batman's The Joker character. She really scares me!
And yes, Huff! And what the hell is up with his father? I just love that show! Hank Azaria is just brilliant!
... as are you my dear! I looooveeee me this juicy post!
Posted by: Miz BoheMia | 10 May 2006 at 05:39 PM
I laughed and laughed...and then became very hungry! Great use of worms my talented dear...true creativity and, of course, right on the money. I don't suppose we're having lasagna are we? Damn that sounds good...but so does mexican food...on my way home!
Love you
Posted by: Joel | 10 May 2006 at 06:25 PM
Agree with Miz B that Priscilla Presley reminds me of a female version of Batman's The Joker character, or, I was gonna say Yvonne De Carlo who played Lily Munster back in 1964.
Must be a mid-life crisis she's having... *sigh*
Now if we all took lessons from our fine furry friends, we'd be much happier...
...they woof us unconditionally!
Posted by: Karen | 10 May 2006 at 07:51 PM
I like to howl when I hear the people sing on American Idol. Although if I were a human, I thikn I would like that Chris guy.
Posted by: Spirit | 10 May 2006 at 08:17 PM
get a "soft focus face" - that's a good one. I need one of those too. It's a sad thing about those cheek implants. I used to like Priscilla - she's a pretty lady. But I don't like smeary. That's just scary.
Posted by: schnoodlepooh | 10 May 2006 at 09:22 PM
Thanks for visiting my blog, er Doogie's blog rather. Have to comment on your remembering Doogie Howser. For those who note that when I introduce them to our Doogie, I have to come back, "Our dog is Doogie Bowser." Get it?
Not a fan of Idol, but the rest of the fam here is, so I get exposed to it by osmosis. I wanted the girl gone, but I understand that Chris got the boot.
Posted by: Big_Dave_T | 10 May 2006 at 10:13 PM
Priscilla freak of nature. Chris Daughtry voted off abominable. Thank God I am on pain medication (had surgery today) -- or I'd be gnashing my teeth and pissed. Right now I could give a shit, and said "Oh poo" when they announced he was going home.
Posted by: Myspinonthings | 10 May 2006 at 10:29 PM
Ok so I'll keep waiting patiently to hear your thoughts on the Soprano's. :)
As for Huff, I watch that a lot when I am up late with babies.... Gracie and I like to watch Huff on Showtime on demand. I didn't watch this week's yet b/c Grace hasn't been up late. However last week's episode when Platt was getting wasted at his clients place was definatly WTF worth. Midlife crisis maybe? Grace says that its a no life crisis.... It was creepy to me when he was holding the baby - I cringed.
Posted by: cj | 11 May 2006 at 02:29 PM
I ditto that CJ! Although I was dying for someone to hold that poor, sweet baby! I was ready to jump into the TV and just kill 'em all for neglecting that child!
Oliver Platt's character is just hitting bottom... very badly... look forward to seeing how they develop that plotline!
See dear Neva what your fab post is doing? Ooooweeee! Bohemians just looooveee them their dear Neva!
Posted by: Miz BoheMia | 11 May 2006 at 03:13 PM
Miz B: the sadsadsad thing about priscilla is the fact that she was so gorgeous before! now she looks like a melted down version of her own wax museum dummy. (i feel bad for her, even tho' she did this to herself!)
and yeah, i totally forgot about Huff's dad!! how weird is he??? yikes! can't wait to see what happens with his story line! : D
Honey: sorry about raising your dinner expectations... maybe i'll make that lasagna this weekend! or maybe we'll just eat more enchiladas... because i love 'em so much!
just like YOU!! xoxox
Karen: you're RIGHT!! a female "joker"!! bless her heart... maybe she fell into a vat of the same shit jack nicholson did in the movie! : D
Spirit: yep, sophie usually sleeps (or yips at max)... but she'd like chris, too! : D
Schnoodlepooh: yeah, priscilla's one scary gal these days (but then, so's her daughter... ewwww). what the heck happens to these people? don't they own mirrors? tho' not opposed to "enhancements", i do lean towards a much more natural look... : D
Big Dave T: hi! so nice of you to visit! and i lovelovelove "doogie bowser"! it's a great name! we all wanted the girl to go... sigh. shows how much we know (maybe if we were actually interested enough to vote, things would have gone differently... but we don't, so there ya go!) hope you'll come back, i know i'll check in soon & i'll be hopin' for more pictures of that adorable doogie! : D
My Spin: surgery? what happened? are you okay? i figured you must have been on drugs, because otherwise i just knew you'd be waaaay more vocal about the loss of chris! oh well, let's keep our fingers crossed in hopes the same fate does not befall dear taylor!
CJ: pretty spicy stuff to watch with that baby-doll of yours! and yes... that scene where platt was holding the baby was totally creep-o-rama! "no life crisis"? too cute! : D
Miz B (part deux): yeah, he's hitting bottom alright... but how far can a guy go, for pete's sake? i adore oliver platt, so i really want to like this character. hopefully he'll get better. HOPEFULLY, it'll be soon!!
and, thanks so much for saying somethig so sweet! this has been a messed up day... so your comment was great for my fragile little ego! just ONE more reason i love ya, girlfriend! xox: D
Posted by: neva | 11 May 2006 at 07:21 PM