puppytoes

phooey...

i don't want to make a big-ass deal out of the fact that mother nature, whore that she is, has decided to wreak havoc on us again this weekend, so i won't. i'm not gonna talk about the hail that came plinking out of the sky, and on top of poor little bobo's head, last night, either. (it's really his fault, since he had elected to stay out and bark at whatever the hell it is he barks at after everyone else came in, but still...it scared him). nor will i bitch, moan, and/or otherwise complain about the fact that today, the 8th of april, it's a raw 37-f*cking degrees outside.

the reason i'm not gonna talk about this stuff is... i don't want to. now, don't get me wrong! i'm pissed, alright, but after seeing what's been going on in the rest of the country, weather-wise? i've decided we really have it pretty good around here. i'm guessing that's because mother-of-girls-and-weather-gone-wild-nature remembers a certain gigantic can of whoop-ass in the possession of a certain raven-haired tibetan terrier, and is, therefore, afraid to mix it up too much. whatever.

that said, it's still not great outside today. it's wet. it's soggy. it's cold. so we're stuck inside. fortunately, we had two (count 'em 2) days out last week, so i thought i'd let ya see what fun we could be having if we were, in fact, able to get out. then, for added fun, i'm gonna show these to bobo, too, just to watch him pout... oh, i know, it's not the same as having a fun, festive frolic in the front yard, but at least i'll be entertained!

and that's all she wrote, folks! now, if you'll excuse me, i have a bobo to torment...and an afternoon nap to take (in that order)...

If there comes a little thaw,
Still the air is chill and raw,
Here and there a patch of snow,
Dirtier than the ground below,
Dribbles down a marshy flood;
Ankle-deep you stick in mud

In the meadows while you sing,

"This is Spring."

~ Christopher Pearce Cranch, A Spring Growl

gtofsy? s;trsfu?

it must be friday...because i can't type. (how are these two things related? i have no idea... but after tapping out that heading...i'm thinking these two things must have something in common. please agree, 'cuz i'd hate to think i've suddenly forgotten how to type!)

actually, mommy and i are fighting over control of the computer right now... she thinks she should be paying the bills. i say who are all these guys named bill, and what are we paying them to do? (mommy didn't laugh, either.)

of course, as you can see, i did manage to wrangle the keyboard away from her, but for how long is anyone's guess. hopefully, it'll be enough time to do what i need to do. and, what's that, you say? glad you asked, i say! i need/want/feel compelled to announce my intention to start sharing the wealth of information at mommy's fingertips in the form of a regular friday feature. (and why should'nt i? daddy has his friday 5 spot, for cryin' out loud! (which is totally awesome, by the way). now get off my case, rubber face, and let me finish my thought before mommy comes back and rips this keyboard from my fragile little fingers paws fingers...).

to continue...in light of A) my post 2 days ago (episode of house/vaginal ticks/ewwwww) B) a certain section of a certain book written by a certain mommy's sister (the veryverysmart dr. terri) and, C) aforementioned sister's remark that "hey, maybe i should add "ticks" when i revise my book--if i ever do revise my book, that is...", i give you my first edition of:

FUN FACTS for a FRIDAY

today's topic (in case ya didn't read wednesday's post):

things that don't belong in--yet were fished out of--a woman's va-jayjay (as documented in actual medical literature)...

• set of false teeth
• pine cone
• rubber ball (discovered 20 years after it found it's way in there)
• shot glass
• highball glass
• flashlight bulb
• cucumber
• onion
• orange
• hard-boiled egg
• the finger of a glove
• aerosol deodorant cap
• leech
• dead mouse
• an iron-handle (from forceps used as wire-cutters)
• broken-off handle of a broom (which remained undetected for 3 months)

now, i'd like to state, for the record, that i'm not sharing this information in order to gross you out. nor do i care to provide anyone with the opportunity for extraordinarily inappropriate/salacious comments. i'm just saying--and this is important--that people are stupid (some more than others).

thus endeth the lesson.

Bebe: You guys still want to go ice skating after school?
Wendy: Oh no, that's okay, Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge, gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner.

~ South Park (Animated TV series)

didn't see that comin'...

oh mandisa... would you have lost last night if those sucky stylists on american idol hadn't put you in that ridiculous outfit the night before? for surely it was difficult for viewers to concentrate on your magnificent voice when you were such a vision of over-the-top-obesity in those baggy (baggy!) jeans and that oh-so-less-than-flattering horizontally striped halter top. holy mother of god-awful-outfits!! you deserved better, you really did. but, hey, at least you won't have to participate in any more of those beyond-moronic ford music "videos". (if ever there was a reason not to buy fords and/or enjoy this show, those videos/commericals are it).  you are gorgeous, your voice is fabulous, and you were a gracious loser. you go girl. you go straight back into that dressing room and beat the shit out of those assholes who forced you into that get-up, and, for my sake? trip that prissy little paris on your way out, won't you?   katharine, too. then let's see if we can find out who the folks are that helped keep bucky on the show for another week, shall we? for, and i can't stress this enough, they must be stopped.

p.s.  daddy? i really hope you feel better soon... cuz i'm pretty sure that stuff you're taking scares me, too!

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." ~ Elvis Presley

um...is that a tick in your vagina?

before i get into the subject of "vaginal ticks", i'd first like to give ya my take (read: mommy's take) on last night's edition of american idol. (just to get it out of the way)

it sucked. no. really. it sucked. it was veryvery sucky. the music sucked. kenny rogers was suckery personified. and mandisa in yet, another pair of jeans? all i can say is those so-called stylists suck to the nth degree. the only thing that didn't suck was the snipe-fest going on between simon and ryan and randy and, most especially, paula. mommy's decided that paula must be going through some peri-menopausal hell without the benefit of hormone replacement therapy and/or remifemin (a good substitute for women who don't want to go on hrt), because she A) breaks into a sweat everytime pretty-boy ace sets foot on that stage, B) she just acts weird. all the time. weird. weird. weird. C) she's old enough to be going through peri-menopause (and, therefore, wa-a-a-y too old for ace) and, D) did i mention she's been acting weird?

the other show that mommy & daddy watched last night was house. they like this show because it often makes them laugh. and, sometimes it creeps them out, but in a good way, 'cuz the creepy stuff is usually so interesting/educational. take last night's episode, for instance. a 16 year old girl stopped breathing and almost died. was it because A) she had had a heart transplant a few months earlier? B) she was terribly allergic to her boyfriend's tongue? or C) she had a tick in her vagina? answer: C.  that's right. the 16 year old girl had a tick attached to her vagina, which caused her body to go into decending (or was it ascending?) paralysis. because she had a tick. in her vagina. a vaginal tick. needless-to-say, mommy was pretty freaking creeped out. only this time, not in a good way.

you see, as far as mommy's concerned, besides being creepy, ticks are evil. and ever-so-nasty. so you can just imagine what goes through her mind when pondering something as bizarre as having a tick wandering around in one's vagina. mommy's calling her gynecologist even as we speak.

"i'd like to make an appointment for an exam..."

"is this for your annual pap-smear?"

"no. i want to make sure i don't have any ticks in my vagina."

"excuse me? did you say you're having a tick in your vagina? like a spasm?"

"no. i have 3 dogs. and they often come in with ticks. i found one on my back once, but now i'm afraid i might have one in my vagina."

"ma'am, in all the years we've been in practice, i don't think the doctor has ever found a tick in one of his patient's vaginas."

"so he's checked for these things before?"

"ma'am? the doctor's pretty booked right now... perhaps you should consider taking your potentially tick-filled vagina someplace else."

"can i get a referral for that?"

click

on that note... i'll sign off. mommy's rooting around in the junk drawer, and i think it's 'cuz she's looking for her tweezers and a comb. which means i need to find a place to hide. sigh.

(oh, as for the next adios on idol? i'm thinkin' this is the week bucky's gonna hop in the saddle and head off into the sunset (boulevard). surely the voters have had enough. and, in case you're desperate to know more about last night's snipe-fest...check out what daddy had to say. trust me, you won't be sorry!)

"You know, Arthur, when you spend two months riding around on a really big man, you start to learn a few things about yourself. You learn that it is a really great thing to stay on Earth and live in a place that has no arms or legs of its own. And most importantly, Arthur, you learn how to close your eyes and tell yourself that this just isn't happening to me." ~ The Tick (Animated TV Series)

s'no freaking way!!

holy crappycrap! have my ears betrayed me again, or did i just hear it's gonna snow tonight? what part of "i've got a big can of whoop-ass"  didn't you comprehend, mother-nature, you bitchiest of all bitches, you? seriously. pick a season and stick with it, for all our sakes/sanity.

now, i'm gettin' ready to go get my hair done--the price i pay for beauty--which means you've got the better part of the day to get your f*ckin' weather act together. otherwise, you can run, mother of all things nature, but you'll never be able to hide from the wrath of sophie (which makes the wrath of kahn look like a walk in a klingon doggy park). that is all. now, dammit, go do the voodoo that you do so well!

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush." ~ Doug Larson

like pullin' teeth...

boy #2 had two wisdom teeth pulled out today. now he's in pain. the end.

hahahaha! well, actually, i guess it's really not that funny, because the boy did have those teeth pulled and he is in pain. i was just tryin' to let you know in my own silly way that this was gonna be a really quick post. but, ya know what? since the boy is currently fast asleep, and, therefore, not demanding inordinate amounts of mommy's time, i guess i can spend a couple of minutes chattin' about other stuff. (once he wakes up itll be a whole different story, because he's ever-so-childlike in his need for attention, especially when pain is involved.)

to tell the truth, lately, boy #2's been working overtime gettin' attention outta mommy--she was up late several nights last week talking to him, following a nasty break-up with the girlfriend formerly-known-as-betty (henceforth known as that-whoring-bitch). then, three nights ago, he got into a heated argument with another former-friend, who wound up punching the boy on the side of his beautiful face! knocking him down/out! giving him a mild concussion! can we talk about pain? can we talk about drama? of course, i'm not talking about the boy, because he actually tried to hide the whole sordid affair from mommy & daddy for a day, but once they found out, you should have seen mommy! she is not a happy camper, and i fear for the emotional safety of this sh*ttyf*cksh*t guy if she ever gets within dirty-looks-clipped-verbiage-distance of him. she's been known to track folks down for much less (remind me to tell you about the snow-ball/high school kid/lexus affair sometime), so i'm thinkin' this f*ckface guy better hope to all that's holly hunter mommy doesn't get a hankerin' for a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha anytime soon, for, as it happens, this asshole sh*tf*cker guy works at, you guessed it, our local starbucks! in fact, he is none other than the same f*ckingmotherlesswhorechild guy who screwed up mommy's starbucks experience a few weeks ago. needless to say, he's already on her shit list... so it's a safe bet he'll not be getting off anytime soon (in all honestly, if mommy--a non-violent kind of a gal--had her way, this asshole f*cker guy wouldn't be gettin' anything off anytime soon...if ya catch my drift, and i think you do.)

ah, but it's monday, and i really shouldn't be tellin' stories about that boy and his stupid-former-friends, should i? no... i should be talking about mommy and daddy's pathetic weekend tv-viewing line-up...altho' there's not a whole hell of a lot to tell, come to think of it. in fact, daddy did a nice job summing up last night's episode of the sopranos, so why should i waste my/your time doing it here? as for that sluttywhore meredith on grey's anatomy?  well, at least last night, even meredith acknowledged she's a whore... in fact she took up knitting to keep herself from drinking too much/sleeping with the first penis guy to drop one of her favorite lines in her lap (you know what i'm talking about, lines like: new here? or my place or yours? or wanna see my trampoline?) since she wasn't so busy f*cking sleeping with every tom, dick or dick (she likes dicks), she had time to discover she has not one, but two step-sisters she never knew she had!!! ooh. fascinating. in other news, man-boy-george finally succumbed to the ample charms of ortho-doc (that's what the writer of this episode calls her...), and, at the verylastsecond, meredith, knitting needles in hand, met a hunky new character who may--or may not--be named dick. ha! just kidding! (still, bet she sleeps with him by next week.)

whoa... look at all these worms! i really didn't think i'd have time to write so many... did you? those pain killers the boy took must be working pretty well, 'cuz he's been sleeping all afternoon! it's just as well, i guess, since there's nothin' else to do...

as lovely as the weather was over the weekend, it's been kind of cold/drizzly out today, not very spring-like, now, is it?  in fact, if today wasn't the first day of regular baseball season, it honestly wouldn't seem like spring at all! (would it, daddy?) go dodgers!!

"That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball."  ~ Bill Veeck, 1976

dalai bobo's...

...thought for the week

"A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker." ~ Buddha ~

i pity the fool...

...who thought i could get away without doing a post today. actually, guess i should clarify a bit here... cuz the "fool" i'm referring to, of course, is me. ya see, i was sure no one would notice/care about the lack of new material, especially since daddy wasn't exactly tap-tap-tapping away on his keyboard, either. (in my head i even imagined readers would stop by, see nothin' new, and think "oh that's so sweet! sophie's mommy & daddy are probably off somewhere doing something fun instead of hanging around like pitiful boring beanbags in front of their big-screen tv. what a nice/happy/busy family they are! gosh, we miss sophie, but it sure is nice to know her mommy & daddy care about each other enough to forego blogging for one stupid day. kudos to them... what great role models they are to the rest of us..."

i confess i even got a little misty eyed thinking about the perceptions some of you might have had about the fam. but then what happened? i'll tell you what happened... daddy had to get all smarty pants on me and come up with a few clever worms this afternoon. stupid daddy. writing shit 'n forcing me to do the same. well, i've got a surprise for you, daddy (if that's your real name) i'm not gonna write a bunch of worms! that's right. instead, i'm gonna show off the fun we all had frolicking in the front yard this morning, when we really were a happy family... before you shamed me into sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end trying to come up with something...anything. (okay, and before that stinking whore mother-nature opened up the heavens and rained all over our poorly planned parade. mind you, i have no idea what that means... but anyone who knows me knows i like a little alliteration, and "poorly planned parade" definitely qualifies as a little alliteration. very little. but, very alliterate!)... anyway, here ya go. pictures of us havin' a whole lotta funfunfun!!

hahahaha! you should have seen the looks on all your faces! that was so funny! 'cuz you all thought you were gonna see pictures of us playing! and instead i showed you stupid pictures of us all in various stages of napping! isn't that hilarious??? no? you didn't think this was a funny april fools joke? gulp. well sor-reeee. (yeesh... i was just kidding...what do i know about humor, for chrissake? hello? i'm a dog...remember?)

fine, have it your way (ya big takin'-lessons-from-girlie-dog-max babies, you)...here are a few (very few) pictures of us romping in the front yard this morning (for we really did do that for a tick or two before it started to rain). but only a few... after all, it is saturday, and well, we do have a life (of sorts)... enjoy!

here i come, ready or not!

damn that feels good!!!

now if i can just get that spot on my nose...

bobo's lookin' for trouble... or not.

max: looks good/smells bad (sometimes)! hee hee

behold bobo in all his glory!

look what i can do! (bet ya can't cover your nose with your tongue!)

seen enough? happy now? good... me too!

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." ~ Jack Handey