oh, ace. you got axed last night? but you're so pretty! so very f*cking pretty! how could this have happened?
actually, mommy and daddy know how it happened. they figured your days were numbered after last week, they just didn't realize there'd be so few. sigh. maybe it was that suit/tie/pony tail. not that it wasn't nice to see your pretty face, mind ya, but mommy thought you were always prettiest when you weren't so "styled" 'n shit...like at the beginning of the season, when you were more of a natural beauty, y'know? instead, tuesday night? mommy thought you looked like the product of some over-anxious mary trying to make a name for himself (other than mary). but that's just mommy.
mommy may have been disappointed (hah!) to learn she won't get to hear you sing again--especially after she found out the contestants will be coached by the great andrea bocelli next week (seriously? what the hell is up with that? he's so fabulous. and he's gonna coach the contestants on american idol? bizarre.)--but make no mistake, mommy was also extremely amused least twice last night: once, when she noticed that paula couldn't manage to say say word one about you being in the bottom 3 (mommy chalked paula's non-utterances up to shock/dismay/hot flash) and again as she watched poorpoor paula sway/swoon as you sang your farewell song... especially as the camera pulled out for a wide shot just before the credits, and viewers were treated to the sight of paula workin' it so hard she nearly knocked simon and randy off the judges' platform. mommy sure hopes paula finally gets what she clearly needs most,
a prescription for prozac a vibrator a better plastic surgeon a good night's sleep. now that she won't have to lay awake worrying about which outfit will show her new boobs off best, that might happen.
speaking of tv and/or vaginas (well, kinda/sorta, right?). mommy almost fell off the couch while watching last night's episode of south park (a show mommy adores--tho' she's pretty sure the show's creators wouldn't want to know that, since mommy's hardly part of the demographic south park targets--not that she gives a rat's ass about such things). anyway, last night, the show featured towelie (the worst character ever, according to cartman)--the character whose catch-phrase is "wanna get high?" (boy #1 pointed out to mommy that towlie episodes always occur in april, around 4/20. apparently there's a reason for this, which explains what boy #2 was celebrating last night. or not.). now...where was i? oh yeah! south park. and towlie, who, it seems, had decided to turn his "life" around by writing a book called, "a million little fibers", which landed him on--you guessed it--oprah (whose ass was HUGE, i might add). now, as far as i'm concerned, that right there is enough to make the episode noteworthy, but, apparently matt stone and trey parker thought otherwise...
naturally, i don't want to give anything away, in case some of you missed it, so i'll just say this: at one point, oprah's vagina (which had a very deep voice, by the way) tried to sabotage her career, and her asshole (which sounds like a scotsman) joined in the fun, and, by the end of the episode, the two wound up holding a whole lot of folks in chicago hostage--by brandishing a gun. that's right. oprah's vagina "held" a gun. not only that, it managed to squeeze off a shot. can you "see" it? cuz mommy did. and she thought it was beyond funny.
what's that, ya say? you think the aforementioned episode of south park took the whole "stuff-in-a-vagina" thing a smidge too far? well then, i'm guessing you didn't read the story i linked to late yesterday--in which case, i suggest you read it now! (oh, and dr. terri? even tho' she did not see that episode of boston legal (you saw it, too, Miz B?) mommy totally agrees. it is time to do an update on your book and get it back on the bookstore shelves. oh yes it's definitely time.) yet another story that serves to reaffirm what i have said time and time again, kids... people are stupid. (don't know how oprah's gun-toting vagina fits into all that, but somehow, i'm sure it does).
"Wow! Cartoons are really getting dirty." ~ Stan (South Park)