trust me, it is sooo not my intention to spend inordinate amounts of time on this blog writing about the various unique stupid pathetic better-than-nothing television shows mommy and daddy watch. that said, here's my take on last night's viewing extravaganza:
american idol: yawn. not that mommy didn't think it was swell to hear everyone sing something not country and/or queen, mind you, but did they all have to sing such boring songs? since when did "standards" = slow ballads?? (okay, so maybe mommy liked some of the songs she heard last night. that's beside the point. the point--for i have one--is that the music selection this year sucks chocolate salty balls.) 
still, mommy, who's been a fan of rod stewart's since he first came on the scene (waaay back, when mommy was in college, because mommy is just that old) was pleased to note rod, who coached the fledgling idols this week, did not sport unrecognizable features (unlike barry manilow and/or kenny rogers). so? how did the aforementioned fledgling idols fare on last night's show? let me count the ways:
1. chris: du-u-u-ude.
2. paris: who picks out your clothes? actually, even tho' you bug her, mommy thought you were ok--kind of a poor woman's version of diana ross channelling billie holiday...if ya catch my drift, and, because you're only 17, i'm guessing you don't.
3. taylor: well you're just as fun to watch as ever--mommy thinks it would be ever so much fun to see you win and/or watch simon crap his pants. she's pretty sure that's won't happen, mind you, but she'd be happy if it did!
4. elliot: your first 6 notes were lovely. everything after that...not so much. mommy fears simon might be correct, 
and this will be your last week. she hopes that won't be the case.
5. kellie: kellie kellie kellie kellie.
6. ace: there was damn near nippledge last night, as paula's boobs came dangerously close to spilling out of that extremely low-cut slip-thing she almost wore. especially when she started jumping in orgasmic joy while watching you "croon". have i mentioned lately how pretty you are?
7. katharine: daddy's right. the show's director must hate you for being such a camera whore. mommy's right. the judges will be less enamored with you after they review the video tape of last night's performance. that said, mommy's resolved herself to the fact that, in the end, you'll probably win. unless, of course, you don't.
oh, and for anyone who thinks idol is a lame-ass excuse for entertainment? (okay, mommy and daddy kind of do, but that's another story for another day) now, where was i? oh yeah...think american idol is no big deal?? think *again*. (i'm just sayin'...)
okay, now let's talk about house, shall we? (we shall. we shall): what's the dealio with this show, anyway, huh? lately, it seems the producers have pretty much focused on 2 things, vaginas* and/or blood-spurting colons, along with creepy crawly carriers of unimaginable disease/horror. this week's episode was no exception. no, there were no vaginal ticks, but how random was it that the lesbian insomniac, sprouting volumes of blood from her colon and/or nose, wound up with bubonic plague (or was it tularemia? 
they never said, for sure). whatever the hell it was, she got it from a flea bite (in her vagina?) which was on a puppy she briefly owned, that had come from california--which is, as everyone knows, a veritable breeding ground for a variety of nasty plagues. naturally, following requisite poking, prodding, yipping, and/or yapping, house solved the mystery, livers were removed and/or transplanted, the lesbians were reunited (sort of) and house was, once again, smug. oh, there was more, but do you really care? i know i don't.
*if house continues to "explore" vagina-related maladies, perhaps the producers will include *this* as part of a storyline! then, the veryveryverysmart dr. terri (mommy's sister) will have one more thing to add to her book! (just a thought)
alrighty then, before i go, i thought i might share a wee bit o' drama that occured today! but, please don't tell daddy! because if ever there was something that would give him cardiac arrest, kids, this is it.
it all started when boy #1 left the house with his girlfriend, in order to take her home. once they got out to his car, however, he realized he didn't have his keys, so he came back inside to look for them. naturally, they were nowhere to be found, so mommy offered to let him take her car. which, as it turns out, was what he wanted all along, because, and i quote "well, i really wanted to show it off to veronica (not her real name)". 
you see, mommy drives a sexy metallic black sapphire BMW X3 3.0i, and it really is pretty damn cool, even if she does say so herself, which, of course, she does!
any old way, after the boy & veronica sped away, mommy started doing whatever the hell it is she does when no one else is home, when suddenly! she noticed that the front door was open! open!! OPEN!! not only that, but bobo, max and i were all outside! outside!! OUTSIDE!!! yep, as mommy peered through the door, there i was, sitting as pretty as you please on the grass, and there were bobo and max, grazing on the side of the yard, 
(as they so often do when we go out for those fun festive frolics in the front yard). mommy actually did feel her heart skip a beat or two. but, i'm happy to report, she quickly recovered, locked the front gate, herded us all back into the house, gave us cookies, and wiped the massive amount of sweat from her massively sweaty brow (massive sweat, mind you, not massive brow--mommy may need to lose weight, but 8 pounds do not a "massive brow" make).
once she regained her composure, mommy called the boy, knowing he would have a heart attack of his own, because he, too, worries that something might happen to us. mommy figured it would serve him right. of course, that was before she remembered he was driving her car. (don't worry, nothing happened, but wouldn't it have been hilarious if something had? not to us, of course, but to mommy's car, maybe? no? well okay.)
whew! i don't know about you kids, but i'm spent! tomorrow, i'll give you my take on tonite's idol elimination round... but after that, i promise! there will be no more talk of television programs. i'm sick of tv. at least, for the moment i am. until i can't think of anything else to write about. in which case, all bets and/or promises regarding "tv talk" are off.
"The TV business is uglier than most things. It is normally perceived as some kind of cruel and shallow money trench through the heart of the journalism industry, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs, for no good reason." ~ Hunter S. Thomson
Let's just pretend I didn't read about the front door thingee, mkay? Jiminy Christmas Batman how tough is it for the boy to close the damn door? Is it his weakened state from too much lounging? Don't get me started...wait, too late...breath...let it go...breath...okay, feeling better...putting it out of my mind...there.
Spot on Idol assessment honey...same with House. The writers really need to shake things up a bit...getting a little old -predictable = boring = low ratings = find a new gig.
Great quote from HST...great biz we're in eh?
Love you
Posted by: joel | 19 April 2006 at 05:11 PM
yeah, well, it pays the bills! (tv biz, that is)
actually, i think the boy had a bigger attack than i did (i'm not certain it wasn't veronica who didn't quite pull the door shut... but i'm not gonna point any fingers!) at least i realized what had happened before someone drove up to the house and/or bobo decided to find out, once and for all, what was one the other side of the fence! (aieeee!)
other than that, it's been a quiet day.
come home, honey! lovelovelove you!! xoxoxoxo
Posted by: neva | 19 April 2006 at 05:16 PM
Sofie: Glad to hear that mommy gets quickly recovered from the attack! and that you, max and bobo are doing alright! (I know you guys would be happy sitting on the grass and grazing on the yard..hee hee hee...but, apparently mommy didn't feel so!...oh...and daddy as well!)
Neva: I keep reading what you told me to help getting rid of the nervousness ^__^ it really helps :) *thanks!* ^____^
Posted by: Jom | 19 April 2006 at 06:55 PM
mommy please help daddy find a new dentist before he loses all the rest of his teeth! lol!!
Posted by: Karen | 19 April 2006 at 08:09 PM
I stopped watching Idol, I am disgusted. Mandisa was the girl I thought sang the best. Ace should be an underwear model. Not a singer. I just want Paula and Simon to fuck and get it over with forcryingoutloud!
I stopped watching House Long ago as well.
So what do you two do for a living? TV Critics?
Posted by: My Spin | 19 April 2006 at 08:25 PM
Oh GOSH a big PS: Boys!! Keep your mind on your puppies and not your girlfriends boobies!!! Whew I am glad you all were okay!
Posted by: My Spin | 19 April 2006 at 08:25 PM
love the idol chat...and again, my apologies 'bout all of that. you know, if you'd swung your dial 'round to boston legal last night - or any other nite as it is often fairly clever and we are frequently amused - the episode was about the use/ overuse/repeated use of the word...'vagina'. then you could have continued on with your witty observances of all things genital on the telly. : ) (i'm thinkin' i could have promo'd the book in these vagina friendly airwaves). i love you!
Posted by: maxxypawd | 19 April 2006 at 08:48 PM
Glad everything turned out fine for the babies. Trudie once went to the neighbors because a door was left open while I was at work. She reported she had a very nice day.
Posted by: cj | 20 April 2006 at 01:03 AM
Oh no! Bad things happening to vaginas are not good, NOT GOOD! What is it with these shows and their fear and/or degradation of vaginas? Dios mio! Perhaps we need a vaginal suport group going...
A blogger friend of mine said that the latest installment of Boston Legal reminded him of me... turns out there was much vagina talk... Between this and my post, I don't blame him and yes, hubby got an earful as to what I thought about the whole incident on BL! He sure is a good man!
Ooooh! Sexy car indeedy! There are quite a few of those here in crazy España! For now we have a 320 station wagony model but them BMWs sure drive well. Brave you letting your child drive it! ;-)
And now to the most important thing of them all, I am soooo happy to hear the babies are all fine! I know that fear and panic all too well! I grew up with 5 cats and a dog and once the cleaning lady (after being instructed that THE most important rule in our house was to always shut the door) left the door wide open and the whole menagerie left! This happened in Seattle and out was I in the snow in my underwear and a t-shirt running like mad to catch everyone and bring them back home. I won the battle and the cleaning lady was gone...
Now I have two cats and similar events unfolded when my 3 infamous in-laws stayed here (for 34 days!!!! Shoot me!!!)...
Can you tell I miss "talking" to you? ;-) I just looooveee your blog world my friend!
Muchos besos,
Me...
Posted by: Miz BoheMia | 20 April 2006 at 05:30 AM
I feel so clueless!!!Don't watch American Idol.....except that one episode when we had book club aka eating and drinking too much club....anyway the hostess is an Idol fan, she turned on.....actually her TV is always on.....her humongous fill the room and make you dizzy TV and all except me were dazled by Idol....I was trying to uncross my eyes in order to see what the big deal is...still don't get it....then again I am *gulp* can I say it? OK here goes *old* My other group of friends who happen to be about my age think I have to get my head out of the History Chanel and Bio Chanel Mysteries and get with the times and at least watch "24" now I need to find where the Fox Chanel is on my TV dial.
Great car.....I am impressed....my humble car is a convertible Cabrio....actually all Cabrio's are convertible....the top goes down on the first warm day of spring, if it get's cold then I just put the heat on....I know what you are thinking "if it rains does she use an umbrella?".....well they do keep the rain of your head...... ;^)
Posted by: Mo'a | 20 April 2006 at 09:17 AM
Well, our twin lives had to end at some point, Neva. I *LOVED* the songs from AI. I love the American Songbook albums (what do we call them now that they're not albums?) that Rod Stewart has been making. LOVE LOVE LOVE those songs even though they're before my time.
Loved Katherine (but you're right- she is kind of a camera whore...) Chris? YUMMMY.
I do agree with you about drunk Paula. Sheesh- she's like a bad accident!
I'm sure glad my boys are not living with us (they're 23 and almost 25), otherwise I'm afraid they'd be borrowing "big daddy's" corvette. They'd have to fight ME for it though... ;) I always tell him that's why I married him. tee hee.
Posted by: RisibleGirl | 20 April 2006 at 12:44 PM
Jom: yep... all's well that ends well! as long as every puppy is accounted for, life is good! (the boy was as upset as anyone...it's doubtful that's ever gonna happen again!)
when is that exam? pretty soon, right? let me know... and remember how much we love you and are keeping you in our thoughts/prayers!! : D
Karen: fortunately, joel now has a fantastic dentist! (it was in days gone by we could have used someone better!) : D
My Spin: we didn't watch Idol last year... my sister made me watch it this year (and i made joel...) i like chris. and taylor. and i loved mandisa! as for house? they're gonna have to do something different soon, or we won't be watching, either!
and, no, we're not critics, we just play critics in our blogs (altho' we *do* work in tv!) : D
SISTER!! yesssss! we need to update your book and get it back out there! lots of interest these days!! i'm guessing it would be very easy to get someone besides howard stern talkin' about it, as well! (jon stewart, perhaps?) let's talk!! i lovelovelove you, too!! xoxox
CJ: i'm glad trudie was okay... still, that's enough to cause a heart attack, right? (it was for me!) hee hee! : D
Miz B: see? you and my sister have mucho to hablar about! (vaginas notwithstanding!)
the cleaning lady only got fired? joel (who is most definitely NOT a violent man) would shoot our cleaning lady if she ever did that! (yikes!) as for the in-laws & open doors... i'm worried my parents will do the same thing when they come to visit (we're trying to get them to stay in a hotel for that very reason! how bad are we?)
as for my car? yeah--i really like it (can ya tell?) i used to drive an audi A4, which i adored, but after 8 years we decided to sell it. (it had a stick, too, which made it soooo much fun to drive). it just helps having something a little bigger with the 3 puppies, ya know? : D
Mo'a: darlin'... you've missed nothing by not watching AI! do you hear me? NOTHING!! the only reason we bother is because my sister made me watch it! and now we have to finish the stupid season! we used to watch "24", too, but no more. trust me, you're better off with the History Channel (i lovelovelove it!) or Biography Channel! (i love that they show a lot of old fun series on Bio...but that's just the nerd in me, i guess!)
and i love Cabrio's... such cutecutecute cars! (as long as it's cute/fun to drive, nothin' else matters, right?) : D
Risible Girl: wait!! don't break up with me, yet! i didn't mind the songs... and i adore rod stewart! i just didn't think the kids did the songs justice...(and i'm very concerned about next week--love songs coached by Andrea Bocelli? yeesh. he's so amazing... most of the contestants are not).
i'd never let the boys borrow my car if it was a sexy little corvette... the only reason i'll let my older son (who is also 25, by the way) drive my car is because he drives like a little old lady. seriously! : D
Posted by: neva | 20 April 2006 at 07:03 PM